The all-points bulletin arrived on the morning of January 7.
The night before, someone or something (Sasquatch, perhaps? No, a centaur) had cut through the locks of Aux, the commissary kitchen belonging to award-winning chef, service-industry sergeant and ambitious restaurateur Ashley Christensen. They'd stolen her prized cooker. A gift from Southern pitmaster Nick Pihakis following Christensen's James Beard Award victory in 2014, the cooker often accompanied the chef to charity events. The loss stripped her of a singular piece of kitchen equipment. It denied the larger community a key fundraising tool.
The signal was amplified nearly as soon as it arrived, with news of the theft dominating area social media feeds for days. Christensen's compatriots even offered rewards for its return: Raleigh Denim jeans and Bida Manda soup, Slingshot coffee and Dashi cash. The informant, had one ever come forward, would have suddenly looked, and eaten, like a local oligarch. Alas, no one fessed up. Nearly a month later, Christensen says no serious leads as to the cooker's whereabouts have emerged.
But there's hope; in fact, we've compiled the 12 most likely (and mostly satirical) scenarios as to where Christensen's cooker went. Get to sleuthing.
- Illustration by Chris Williams
Did you know the Travelocity Gnome was born in Durham? I do, because we are pals. I had the gnome cut me out of lockup, and we are SEEING THE WORLD. The Eiffel Tower is crazy!