There are lots of people who keep us up at night: Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz ... basically, any passenger in the clown car that is the ongoing, tortuously drawn-out GOP presidential primary. Pat McCrory, Art Pope, Dan Fucking Forest ... OK, so most the N.C. Republican Party, too. Oh, and pretty much all of the good, self-important liberals running for office in Chapel Hill right now ... actually, let's just say politicians in general.
It's not just politicians who frighten us, though: We don't want to get on Ross Grady's bad side (unless he's wrong). We don't want to work for Ashley Christensen (but we love her restaurants). We would like to watch Mickie Krzyzewski beat Mike's ass (and you know she could).
These are all very scary people, but they are not The Triangle's Scariest People. That honor belongs to the five individuals (four of whom actually exist and breathe oxygen) whose likenesses adorn the following pages. To aid in your Halloween festivities, we've created masks of each of them that you can cut out and wear on Saturday night.
Get a group of five friends together (one mask for each!) and take a ride on the Trolley Pub—a sight more terrifying than all 17 Saw movies put together.
- Right click and save as to download!
- Margaret Spellings
Margaret Spellings won't begin her high-paying job as the president of the UNC system until March 1, 2016, which gives us five months to ponder one question that looms like a slow hurricane: What will she fuck up first? A champion of No Child Left Behind, gubernatorial adviser to Dubya just before he became president, the Secretary of Education during his second term, a board member of what's essentially the University of Phoenix and the leader of Bush's presidential library (which we presume to be populated only by annotated editions of My Pet Goat), Spellings seems tragicomically unprepared to lead a system of 17 campuses, nearly a quarter-million students and incalculable esteem.
To wit, while working for Dubya, she led a commission that seemed intent on turning America's universities into a network of vocational-training centers. The real worry is that she's going to do that here, too, turning students only into doers, not thinkers. She's not super into the gay "lifestyles," either, but apparently she's very into our state motto.
"I've worked for him for a long time," Spellings said of little Georgie during a press conference last week, her voice like the sound of curdling cheese. "I tell young people, 'When you find a good boss, stick with them,' and I certainly have done that." Then why, President-elect, would you desert him now, just as his family's political dynasty crumbles into the San Jacinto with Jeb's seemingly imminent defeat? Save us and stick with him.
Cut out mask. Poke holes for eyes. Turn a prestigious college into an air-conditioning-repair school. Then win the lottery, because that's a much more efficient and thrilling way to take money from the state's education system.