I know Ralph Macchio, and you, Jaden Smith, are no Ralph Macchio. The interminable remake of 1984's The Karate Kid
manages to re-create the original, almost scene for scene, with none of its charm and resonance. Though it might appeal to younger viewers, its languid pace and nearly two-and-a-half-hour run time will leave others (and their parents) bored and occasionally scared. The new movie is almost exactly like the first film, except that the clever and singular aspects of the original have not survived the translation. For those who grew up with slumber party VHS screenings of The Karate Kid
, this remake may well count as a crime against humanity. With Jackie Chan.