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"Thank you for calling Enron. Please listen closely to the following options, as our menu has changed.

"If you wish to serve a subpoena on a current or former Enron executive, press 1.

"If you are an Enron shareholder and would like to learn how to turn your Enron stock certificates into decorative origami, press 2.

"If your Enron 401K plan is worthless and you'd like some tips on how to survive your retirement eating nothing but mac-and-cheese, press 3.

"If you are an Enron executive, and would like to find out which prison inmate will be making you his bitch, press 4.

"If you would like to invoke your constitutional right against self-incrimination, press 5.

"If you are Dick Cheney, press 6. And thanks for nothing, Dick.

"If your company is looking to hire someone to record your voicemail menu options, please press 7, or stay on the line, and an operator will assist you.

"Thank you for calling Enron, the world's greatest company."


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