Locked out | Front Porch | Indy Week

Columns » Front Porch

Locked out

by

comment

I had this great idea. I was going to spend my "time off" relaxing, getting focused, finding a job. Just when I thought I had it all figured out--wham!--locked myself out of the house. Hey, no problem; I have one of those magnetic lock boxes under my car. Relaxation is mine.

Bastards! Those things aren't worth the $1.98 I spent. Can't believe it fell off. Great, freakin' great.

I'm sitting here outside my house, obviously. I have made phone calls to all those who have keys to my humble abode. Yes, all those. I stress this because I lock myself out often. Stupid door. Hence the magnetic lock box. Well, as life would have it, with its funny-ha-ha sense of humor, everyone I called has their messages going straight to voice mail. Oh yeah, laugh; I know cosmic irony is hysterical.

I'm going to take this moment to be grateful. Nope, not for those warm fuzzy reasons of life happening exactly as it should; instead, I'm grateful because it is almost 70 degrees in January. This would truly suck if it were cold--or even worse, snowing.

96 Rock asked what to do on a 75-degree day in January. Well, how about a little naked locked out of the house? Hmm, I wonder how long it would take the locksmith to get here if I told him I was naked? Or maybe it would be just like a cheesy movie and the locksmith would show up with a camera crew? Reality TV, here I come.

Speaking of television, this would be a great time to own Lassie. "Quick, Lassie! Open the door.

"I know you don't have opposable thumbs. Use your mouth.

"What do you mean that's not sanitary?

"Let me in and you can use my mouthwash.

Why, instead, do I have a 15-pound cat that meows 'cause he can't be out here with me? Way to go, fatty, the power of your voice will knock the door down. Yeah that's right, rub up against it. "I shall open the door with my powers of static electricity."

While the cat battles with the door, I will attempt not to concentrate on my screaming bladder. It is at times like this I wish the trees surrounding my house were taller. How unfortunate that I am so visible. "Oh, hey, neighbor. Yes, it is a beautiful day. And don't mind me squatting beside the fence. Nothing like urinating outside to stimulate one's connectedness to nature."

Oh, thank goodness. Roommate is home. That's strange--she's naked and brought a camera crew and a funk band. She must have talked to the locksmith.

Add a comment