Like a lot of you, I have not heard of roughly 85 percent of Hopscotch's 2015 roster. And like some of you, I will choose which bands I see based upon internal monologue fantasies I have about their names and origin stories. After much consideration, these are the five best bands playing Hopscotch 2015.
DRIPPY INPUTS: The exclamation "Who the fuck spilled kombucha all over my Minimoog, bro?" inspired this 10-man band of Mormon runaways to form their own collective. Drippy Inputs' kombucha-funk makes its big festival debut in Raleigh. (SATURDAY, 10 P.M., KINGS)
JAKE XERXES FUSSELL: Didn't this guy appear in one of Key & Peele's East/West College Bowl sketches, alongside Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon and Eqqsuizitine Buble-Schwinslow? No, this is Rob Gronkowski's party-rocking chamber rock doppelgänger. He's accompanied by self-playing electric guitars and Jake Xerxes Fussell Sr. on drums. (THURSDAY, 9 P.M., FLETCHER OPERA THEATER)
MAMIFFER: I envision this band, featuring a mother named Jennifer, to be the solo rap act of a former K. Flay apostle whose lyrics protest Iggy Azalea and the Kardashians and whose single is called "#DoBiRacialMammalsMatter?" She raps with the dexterity of a modern Teena Marie and uses her ponytail as a drum brush to bang out beats. (THURSDAY, 11:30 P.M., KENNEDY THEATRE)
DAD & DAD: This dueling couple has been together since 2008, when they learned they fathered the same daughter? Rather than write a sequel to 3 Men and a Baby, they started a genre called "fetus-gaze" using sonogram recordings. They're like a weirder Matmos, I think. (THURSDAY, 11 P.M., KINGS)
WYMYNS PRYSYN: Every male member of this four-piece punk rock outfit wears a mask featuring Pussy Riot member Nadya Tolokonnikova. One day, she will beat their asses, as long as she can break through their stage setup of a row of prison bars, which they clank with metal shanks amid sinister riffs. (SATURDAY, 10:30 P.M., SLIM'S)