Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is out to get his. He wakes up from a centuries-long slumber to find out that the market in the fishing town his family once controlled has been monopolized by the same witch who cursed him to immortality and locked him in a coffin way back in the day. But Dark Shadows
is not quite what I want it to be: a subversive commentary about the ethics of the free market and the bloodlines of the 1 percent, all masquerading as a campy soap opera. In fact, it's hard to believe that it such a bombastic bore, all its compelling complexity ultimately just a simplistic pretext for childish jokes about Barnabas' Victorian propriety and anachronistic manner of speech in the supposedly free-living 1970s. Burton once was an artist you could recognize from the way he filled Hollywood's weirdo quotient by telling mainstream yet personal stories. But now he's more relevant as a person inadvertently responsible for charged political and sexual content that seeps out of the otherwise sanitary and plastic commercial movie machine.