In a heart-warming holiday story, a prominent United States senator, so misunderstood by the world that he's about to jump from a bridge, is interrupted by an angel-in-training (well, he's dressed like an angel, anyway), who allows him to see how the world would've been different, if only ...
Aide: Mr. President, it's Sen. Lott on the phone for you. He wants to talk about the big party coming up to celebrate President Thurmond's 100th birthday.
Prez: Trent? How are ya, y'old Dixiecrat?
Lott: Mr. President, can we count on you to say a few words at Strom's 100th?
Prez: Well, Trent, I surely will. But I hope you'll take the lead and tell everybody about all the problems we avoided all these years when we elected Strom president back in '48.
Lott: Yes, sir. Harry Truman wanted to integrate the armed forces, do you remember? Who knows where that would've led? And thank heavens Strom beat Eisenhower in '52. The country might've gone Republican!
Prez: Eisenhower was gonna put Earl Warren on the Supreme Court. But with Strom in there, Chief Justice Willis Smith made short work of that Brown v. Board of Education case. By the way, Trent, will I see you at the Cotton Bowl this year?
Lott: Wouldn't miss it. Ole Miss versus Texas, for the real national championship. Too bad our Rebels will never get to beat the bloody shirts off of Ohio State.
Prez: That's states' rights for ya, Trent. But just between you and me, I think those African-American athletes they use up North are just a little too undisciplined to play against our Texas Longhorns. Speed, strength and agility aren't everything, you know.
Lott: Does that mean you'll be sending our white Army units to fight in Iraq?
Prez: No, Trent, I think this is a job for General Colin Powell's division, don't you? Rummy thinks the African-American troops will feel right at home in Baghdad come April or May.
Lott: Mr. President, I think I should tell you there's some concern over here in the Senate that we just can't afford this war.
Prez: Nonsense, Trent. The economy is bouncing back. The price of cotton is up, and Greenspan says we'll sell enough tobacco to Europe and Japan this year to buy all the jet fuel we need.
Lott: Unless the Russians jump in.
Prez: You know, Trent, I'm just sick of the Russians pushing us around. Just because they're the only global superpower--
Lott: I didn't give a rip when the Asians and the Africans threw in with those godless communists. But Europe? How they could fall for those ridiculous Russkie ideas like share and share alike and everybody's equal!
Prez: Yes, the world rejected Strom, but patriotic Americans stood with him and guaranteed our rights as freedom-loving people.
Lott: To discriminate in our choice of associates.
Prez: And get rid of big-gummint programs we don't need--like that Social Security thing we used to have.
Lott: And once we get our hands on that Iraqi oil, Mr. President--
Prez: We'll teach those ragheads not to go against the Cartel. Don't mess with Texas! Or Saudi Arabia either, y'hear that, Saddam?
Lott: Sir, the Republicans are raising a stink again about minority rights.
Prez: Who is it this time?
Lott: It's Sen. Bush, who else?
Prez: George W? That lightweight--good thing we ran his family out of Texas and back to Connecticut. Imagine, George Bush Sr. thought he could elected in Houston as a Republican!
Lott: Well, George W's doin' his "party of Lincoln" act again.
Prez: Fine. The Republicans still have New England. But as long as the Solid South is Democratic, and white men from New York to Montana believe in life, liberty, property and our God-given ability to make babies and leave 'em with their moms, this great country will be safe from Yankee liberals like George W. Bush. Like the Unabomber said, Lock 'n' Load and the Hell with Yale!
Lott: Yes sir, Mr. President. And it's all thanks to great Democrats like Strom Thurmond and those who came after him in the Oval Office--Orville Faubus, Lester Maddox, George Wallace, Ronald Reagan, Jesse Helms, and of course, yourself.
Aide: President Cheney? We need to get back to your secure location, sir.
LGBT Help Wanted in Wake:
Among those honored recently by the Triangle Business and Professional Guild, a group advocating for lesbian, gay, bisexual annd transgener rights, was Cheri Patrick, a lawyer who helped persuade the Durham City Council to extend employee benefits to domestic partners.
Durham joined Chapel Hill and Carrboro. Will Patrick lobby in Cary, where she lives? Or Raleigh? She's will, but first someone who works for Cary or Raleigh needs to ask that their partner be treated the same as a spouse. "Once they do, I'll be on it," Patrick promises. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 956-7171.
Are you shocked, shocked, at what Trent Lott said? Or just that it wasn't Jesse? To get in the pool on how long Lott has left, e-mail email@example.com or call 412-5051.