In an alternate universe, Abraham Lincoln (played from ages 18 to 80 by Benjamin Walker) began his career by wielding a silver-tipped axe at vampire's heads. First making acquaintance with bloodsuckers as a young boy, the future politician turns shop worker by day and vampire vigilante by night before taking up residency in Washington. This conceit is applied to American history in an unsettling, and potentially offensive, way by creating an impetus for civil war around vampire lore (vampires are banished to the South where slaves supply work and a supply of fresh blood). The film struggles to find any fun in the myth aside from a titillating, slow-motion ballet of digital dismemberment courtesy of director Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted
). Sometimes history does not need a rewrite.