Although the North Carolina apple harvest doesn't officially begin until late August, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's comment about the health care law yesterday got us thinking. In his dissent, he called the majority's reasoning, which let the Affordable Care Act stand, "pure applesauce,
We asked the Supreme Court Clerk if Scalia, who apparently knows his applesauce, had a recipe to share. Amazingly, the judge keeps a dog-eared copy tucked inside his robe, next to his pocket-size Constitution. The clerk then faxed us over the family recipe for us to reprint here.
The Scalia family recipe for pure applesauce
Serves 11 million
3 pounds of arrogance
4 strips of spite
3–4 Tbsp. malice
1 stick, no, not cinnamon, just a stick
1 cup abuse
1/2 cup lemon juice, the more sour, the better
Using a sharp tongue, peel, core and quarter the arrogance. Place the arrogance in a large pot of misery. Add malice, the stick (it may need broken into small twigs to fit), lemon juice, abuse and spite, Bring your bile to a boil, then lower the temperature, cover the pot of arrogance, allowing yourself to simmer and stew and plot ways of revenge on the poor.
Once the arrogance can be poked with a fork, remove the misery from heat. Remove the stick and poke it in your eye to spite your face. Use a warped view of the Constitution to mash the cooked arrogance into a chunky applesauce. If you prefer a smoother applesauce, purée the Constitution and the arrogance in a blender.
If the applesauce is too sweet, add lemon juice. If it's too palatable, add abuse.
Freezes well and can last a year before the revenge is served cold.