Mary Easley, your life is calling | Spoof | Indy Week

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Mary Easley, your life is calling


North Carolina's former first lady Mary Easley says she won't resign from her controversial $170,000-a-year job as Executive in Residence at N.C. State University. But as millions of unemployed Americans can attest, a new job can offer new opportunities for personal growth. Fortunately, the Indy's career counselor has identified seven exciting careers that match Easley's skill set:

Flight attendant

Join the real mile-high club, where only the wealthy can afford the cover charge. While elite CEOs, moguls and sheikhs wine, dine and cut deals in the leather seats up front, you'll be pampering their spoiled, airsick children and pets in the back. Must be able to handle turbulence and comply with uniform requirements. E-mail:

Legislative chaperone

Accompany and surveil House Republican Cary Allred on his daily legislative chores. Duties include chaffeuring him to and from Alamance County, sniffing his water bottle and enforcing a 20-foot zone of protection between him and all House pages. Pay commensurate with experience. To apply, call 733-5905.

Health insurance claims denier

Help keep one of North Carolina's largest health insurance companies profitable. Work in our call center to deny desperate patients life-saving medical procedures: organ transplants, experimental treatments, heart surgeries. No medical experience necessary, just a strong commitment to the bottom line. Commission-based. 1-800-937-3323

Bird, legal expert

If the owl bit, you must acquit. Michael Petersen's legal team seeks second chair to pursue the "barred owl did it" murder defense. In addition to trial experience, candidates must be qualified to practice law in N.C. and own a set of binoculars and the Audubon Field Guide to Eastern Birds.

NCCU law school flower changer

Budget cuts might weed out people, but the flowers still need freshening. Each week plant and replant petunias, pansies and mums at the circular drive in front of the law school. Ideal candidates will provide their own mulch and gardening tools. Bilingual + $6.15/ hour. E-mail:

Warm bodies with a heartbeat

The N.C. State University Office of Executive Management is hiring full-time figureheads. If you can look busy, are politically connected and have a firm handshake, you can take long lunches at one of North Carolina's largest universities. Must be able to work Tue-Thu, 10-noon and 2-3 p.m. Previous experience required.

A road map to success

Trucking company seeks husband-and-wife team for long-haul routes, 2,500-3,000 miles a week: flatbeds, hazmat, reefers, vans. Perfect opportunity for couples fleeing cumbersome life circumstances. Company will provide couple new identities with Class A commercial drivers' licenses.

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