by Eric Tullis
Over the years, we’ve relied on The Foreign Exchange’s lead singer and one-half of Little Brother, Phonte Coleman, to offer helpful anecdotes on the casualties and celebrations of love and relationships. So, who better to provide us with five songs that would surely get us dumped on Valentine’s Day than Coleman himself? After the jump, he provides the tracks, and I provide the commentary.
Disclaimer, though: Neither of us accept responsibility for any of your V-Day disasters. And, if you need a quick fix, The Foreign Exchange plays tonight at Cat's Cradle in Carrboro.
1. Ghostface Killah,"Wildflower": The opening, sweet-nothing line, “Yo, bitch, I fucked your friend/ Yeah, you stank ho” sounds like something that Ghostface’s Wu-Tang bro Ol’ Dirty Bastard could have turned into a young lady blush. You, on the other hand, will probably just end up single and a victim of VD violence.
2. Marvin Gaye, "Just To Keep You Satisfied": Dumping someone on Valentine’s Day isn’t just something that only a douchebag like Tucker Max might do. Anyone is capable of it, I suppose, but not everyone wants to execute, especially when getting dumped is so much easier and guiltless. So here’s an idea if you don’t have the balls to tell your girlfriend that you’ve grown to hate her guts. On V-Day morning, send your insignificant other this beautiful, brazen song. She’ll love the ballad and hate your honesty. Soon thereafter, you’ll receive a “hate text” from her simply saying, “It’s over, jerk”. Then, you’ll have your freedom back—and Marvin to thank.
3. George Levin feat. Clara Hill, “I Got Somebody New”: Self-described "players" will love this one. Here’s your chance to get dropped by your present squeeze and finally seal the deal on that side-piece that you have been sneaking around with for the past three months. Maybe you find Valentine’s Day unmemorable if you’re spending it with the same person you’ve been waking up to for the past few years? Just tell her that she’s been replaced and that, as Levin and Hill sing, you can not think of one thing that you’ll miss about her. She’ll feel inadequate and deservedly drop you just in enough time for you to make those other dinner plans.
4. Wham!, "Everything She Wants": Many men view Valentine’s Day as a conspiracy to claim their hard-earned money by forcing them to buy their ladies ridiculous things like jewelry, half-dead roses and poodles. This song addresses this sort of date. Your girlfriend will quickly dump your rude ass.
5. Bilal, "Bring 2": Even if you think can sing like Bilal and your voice could send your special someone swimming, things will dry up as soon as you mention anything about “bringing two” of her friends in to the fold. Valentine’s Day is the wrong time to propose your ménage a trios fantasy to your sweetheart. Your ol’ lady is probably as enthusiastic about bringing another body or two into her sacred sack, as you are about sitting through an all-day marathon of Project Runway.